A Runner without Running Shoes

Hello world, 


This early morning begins, just like all the others.
Something beautiful in the night time air... laughter, shooting stars... what it is, I don't know.
But there's something different.


I don't think I've gone on a wilder ride than I have this week....
its a week that I never want to relive...
nothing drastic, just the life of a 19 year old girl... and all of the charms that come along with that bracelet.
But I found myself taking a nightly walk this evening at the lovely hour of midnight.


I love walks. I go on walks when I really need to think, or be alone with God.... to breathe and sometimes to cry.
The quadruple collided in the middle of McNally as I plopped down in the very wet grass and stared up at the sparse amount of stars that graced this evening with their presence.
Orion looked magnificent tonight.... and I have a feeling that the bladed army in McNally is going to be one of my best friends by the time I graduate.


Trust is a funny thing. You think you trust someone, and then you find out that you don't... you really really don't.
Trust, according to that big book on my book shelf named "DICTIONARY" is, "a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b : one in which confidence is placed" (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/Trust)


I found I don't really trust Someone I thought I did.... at least, not in the way that I should. 
Story of my life. 
I sometimes think that I beat myself up too much... but how can I not? I feel like an athlete... beating their body into shape to perform perfectly. 
I often wonder how Paul did it. 


I want to run the good race... 
I feel the need to run the good race... 
yet I'm finding myself looking at my feet, realizing that I forgot my running shoes. 


How do you not trust a Father that is providing beautiful things in your life?
How do you feel alone in the midst of 4000 students?
How do you run away without running away? 


Can it be next Fall yet?
I'm ready to go... right now.  


I feel change breathing down my back... and I'm thankful for it. 
No more yesterdays... 
those are in the past, and the past must lie. 
So what then shall I do?
I think I'll put my confidence in a statement a great mentor gave to me three summers ago: 
"Love God, nothing is fatal, and everything is going to be okay" (Matthew Anderson). 


How simple trust can be... if you're a child at heart.... 
I have the childlike thing down to a science, as I don't believe I'll ever fully grow up.
So I sing and pray with tears freshly falling "You're the shelter in the storm, you're the dearest friend I know. Oh Light of the World, carry me home! Oh, for grace, to trust You more."


If Jesus can save me.... can't He do anything?
Try to tell me He can't...
My God DIED... if that's not a contradiction, I don't know what is... but its true.
He died and resurrected Himself.
If He, a perfect being, can take on sin and conquer it... then I don't know what He can't do.


I just pray for more trust.
I think its something given.... not made within.