The Ravings of an Insane Soapboxer

Dear Reader,

For about a week now, I’ve had two thoughts that have run through my head like the Roadrunner from Bugs Bunny…. And I’ve been the Coyote up until sometime last night and this afternoon.

Time can be a fuzzy thing.

Both are thoughts of heavy weight… so I think I’ll plunge into them one at a time, and not merge them together, even though they somewhat interact.

Thought One:

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. I just finished 1,2 & 3 John as of yesterday for one of my favorite Bible classes here at beautiful Biola University (I can add more “B’s” to that sentence if you’d like). And I’m finding myself held to a concept of love that is ridiculous to the world around me.

Love those who have hurt me?

The world laughs in my face and says, “Surely, dear girl, you must be joking!”

But I’m not.

That doesn’t mean I’ll be a doormat, and let those who have hurt me walk all over my stubborn self. But I definitely won’t turn them away if they’re genuinely sorry for the things they did that caused me tremendous pain… nor will I deny friendship that I truly missed if it is being acted upon once more.

I’m not a blonde bimbo who knows nothing of what she’s getting into…

But I am an intelligent brunette who has been through this sort of thing once before, and knows better than the world could expect on what not to do ever again…

And to some, I may seem ridiculous to be willing to be nice to anyone who has caused me to shed tears of frustration and sorrow.

But let me ask you to consider something…

I think Jesus cried over the fact that I am a wicked girl who spit in His face and mocked His wounds… in which He willingly took on for me.

I think Jesus felt hurt and betrayed when I lied, cheated, lusted after, and gossiped when He deliberately created me to be something better.

I think that He has every right to hate me, to never speak to me again, and to treat me like the murderer that I am.

But He’s doesn’t.

And I think He deserves to have His actions respected, honored and followed by me… because that is what He has asked each and every Christian to do.

Love the Lord your God, and love your neighbor.

If I love Him, I’ll follow Him… even if its labeled insanity.

Thought Two:

Its amazing how a time in your life that can seem dark and dreary can be looked back upon as something good.

I’ve said that to myself at least three times today…

The struggle I went through at the beginning of the semester was hard…

But it was good.

It was good because it got me fighting again… and good because it got me to realize that I want and need nothing more than my Father.

He could have left me alone… but He didn’t… even when it felt like He did.

Beautifully good, wouldn't you say?

Anyways, I’m jumping off my soapbox now.

Its time I catch up on the sleep that I’ve missed….

Oh the life of a college kid…. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Missing

You know those time in your life when you sit back and ponder the past years, wondering why things happened the way they did… and at points, wondering if they’re ever going to be that good again?

Tonight, my friends, is one of those nights.

Missing something is a strange thing, if you think about it …

It can even be a situation that seemed grim and unpleasant at the time, but has become one of your fondest memories.

I’m missing a lot of things actually…

My very first summer retreat….

Dressing up to go out with someone who gives you butterflies…

Late night ninja snack runs…

Walks through Old Town to kill time….

Reading books like Dante’s Inferno for assignments…

Jumping on sleeping roommates…

Leading worship at youth group…

Waking up to a text message that says “Hello beautiful”…

Writing an A+ paper…

Discussing ridiculously hard questions with friends…

Spontaneous late night movies…

Unforeseen events that you don’t think you want, but then find that you really do…

Watching shooting stars in the middle of no where at 2:30am….

“Reffing” ping-pong games….

Looking someone in the eye and seeing a genuine care within them that you didn’t expect…

What can I say… times are good and times are not good.

And its those vividly good times that plague your mind on nights like these.

Perspective is Everything... Bold, Capitalized and Underlined.

Dear Reader,

I am 19. Some see that as young… I see it as impossible. But it’s the age of finding and becoming who you are supposed to be.

I often times find myself staring into tired eyes in the morning thinking two thoughts:

1). Dear morning, I don’t mean to be forward, but I HATE you.

2). Who am I, and what am I meant to do?

I guess number 2 is two thoughts… but you get what I mean.

The second thought sticks with me through the whole day, usually. And it’s either drowned out by the rush of papers and reading and getting to class on time… or some other worry or care.

But I find it funny and wondrous how every time my perspective goes off the radar with obscurity, my patient and gentle Father ushers direction back into my life.

You see, I am naturally a very stubborn person… which can be used to God’s glory at points because I don’t take the nonsense, such as the “Hate Speech Laws” and the thought that you have your right and wrong, and I have mine, lying down. 

You want to get in a heated argument with me? Tell me that you think Obama deserved the Nobel Peace Prize…  because personally, I think he really doesn’t.

But more often times than not, my stubbornness gets in the way of righteousness… because I sit believing I’m completely right.

When I sit on my homemade throne of right, I see meaning and purpose slip away… or I forget to watch it, so that it doesn’t slip away.

You see, the world… the lovely “right” world… tells me to make myself to be someone… to be the next Hilary Clinton, or some other “brilliant” person…

And there are points when even the Christian society says “Be something for the faith… to further the faith… become a great name to do great things for the Kingdom!”

As a 19-year-old college student… that lie is very practical. Do something that will change the world, and do not settle for anything less.

Check. Understood. In the process of doing.

Don’t worry, world! Don’t worry Christian society! I will prevail! I will conquer! I will be SOMEONE!

But at the end of the day, what’s the point?

Why be someone? Why do things that will ultimately be forgotten?

I’m not going to be Achilles and have my name remembered… I’m not going to discover gold at the mill that is named after me, causing a rush of greed to swell to the west… I’m not going to invent a light bulb or walk on the moon or be so smart that people use my name in vain in parking garages.

Why would I want to be?

Because in all reality, unless you are a history buff/addict/freak, no one cares what anyone did before they themselves graced the world with their amazing, awe inspiring, incredible presence.

That mentality… the mentality of “I breathe! Think I’m awesome!” is generally what drives us.

Nobody cares about anyone but number 1.

Yeah, light bulbs are great… yeah, awesome feat in walking on the moon… go Armstrong…. Way to go Franklin in electrocuting yourself so that we can have machines to make coffee for us in the morning.

Yipee skippy.

There’s no real point. I don’t flip on my lights in my dorm room and say “Oh! Thank you Edison! Thank you Franklin! Thank you for discovering and inventing things like light bulbs and electricity!”

But I honestly haven’t thought about those two in a very long time…

Maybe I should thank them, but realistically, who does?

Solomon had the same problem when he looked at everything under the sun…

“Remember also your Creator in the days of your youth, before the evil days come and the years draw near when you will say, ‘I have no delight in them’; before the sun and the light, the moon and the stars are darkened, and clouds return after the rain… Remember Him before the silver cord is broken and the golden bowl is crushed, the pitcher by the well is shattered and the wheel at the cistern is crushed; then the dust will return to the earth as it was and the spirit will return to God who gave it. ‘Vanity of vanities,” says the Teacher, ‘all is vanity!’” (Ecc. 12:1-2, 6-8).

But Solomon forgot one aspect of life that is important… instead of focusing on the fact that everything will fail in the end…. that the day will grow dark, the beautiful will be destroyed… instead of thinking of those things, the focus should be an “above the sun” approach.

Instead of “everything is vanity under the sun”… what about “everything is glorious above the burning ball of fire that warms the atmosphere”?

Perspective is everything.

Bold, capitalized and underlined.

Change it, and you will change.

Gain a right one, and you will live righteously…

Pick one that’s askew… and, well, you’re screwed.

I had a great perspective leaving my freshman life at the end of May.

I read my confessions of a former freshman, and I gasped at some of the things I said back then… and I wondered to myself, “Where’d I go?”

I got back to school… and things were, well, quite off.

God knew it…

And when you’re off… He doesn’t let you remain off…

Like we’re talking majoring spankings and time outs here.

But in my breaking… as I opened myself to changing back to the way of His own…. He hasn’t just left me in realizing that grace is the most beautiful gift I could ever receive…. And that I don’t come anywhere near deserving it….

But He is blessing me in ways that leave me in wonder…. Ways that make me pause with tears in my eyes and an overwhelming joy in my soul and lift up a prayer of “You don’t have to treat me this way, Father. I deserve so much less.”

I guess I’ve discovered the attitude of the prodigal son…. I deserve nothing, yet You accept me back into Your arms, and You bless me.

Vanity… its all vanity?

Not anymore.

If the perspective is on His eyes, you can’t go wrong… because where He goes, you will follow.

A Runner without Running Shoes

Hello world, 


This early morning begins, just like all the others.
Something beautiful in the night time air... laughter, shooting stars... what it is, I don't know.
But there's something different.


I don't think I've gone on a wilder ride than I have this week....
its a week that I never want to relive...
nothing drastic, just the life of a 19 year old girl... and all of the charms that come along with that bracelet.
But I found myself taking a nightly walk this evening at the lovely hour of midnight.


I love walks. I go on walks when I really need to think, or be alone with God.... to breathe and sometimes to cry.
The quadruple collided in the middle of McNally as I plopped down in the very wet grass and stared up at the sparse amount of stars that graced this evening with their presence.
Orion looked magnificent tonight.... and I have a feeling that the bladed army in McNally is going to be one of my best friends by the time I graduate.


Trust is a funny thing. You think you trust someone, and then you find out that you don't... you really really don't.
Trust, according to that big book on my book shelf named "DICTIONARY" is, "a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b : one in which confidence is placed" (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/Trust)


I found I don't really trust Someone I thought I did.... at least, not in the way that I should. 
Story of my life. 
I sometimes think that I beat myself up too much... but how can I not? I feel like an athlete... beating their body into shape to perform perfectly. 
I often wonder how Paul did it. 


I want to run the good race... 
I feel the need to run the good race... 
yet I'm finding myself looking at my feet, realizing that I forgot my running shoes. 


How do you not trust a Father that is providing beautiful things in your life?
How do you feel alone in the midst of 4000 students?
How do you run away without running away? 


Can it be next Fall yet?
I'm ready to go... right now.  


I feel change breathing down my back... and I'm thankful for it. 
No more yesterdays... 
those are in the past, and the past must lie. 
So what then shall I do?
I think I'll put my confidence in a statement a great mentor gave to me three summers ago: 
"Love God, nothing is fatal, and everything is going to be okay" (Matthew Anderson). 


How simple trust can be... if you're a child at heart.... 
I have the childlike thing down to a science, as I don't believe I'll ever fully grow up.
So I sing and pray with tears freshly falling "You're the shelter in the storm, you're the dearest friend I know. Oh Light of the World, carry me home! Oh, for grace, to trust You more."


If Jesus can save me.... can't He do anything?
Try to tell me He can't...
My God DIED... if that's not a contradiction, I don't know what is... but its true.
He died and resurrected Himself.
If He, a perfect being, can take on sin and conquer it... then I don't know what He can't do.


I just pray for more trust.
I think its something given.... not made within.

Finding my meaning of this moment.

You think I would have learned by now... after a year and 9 weeks of attending this school, you'd think I would know better than to go into the Caf at 5:15 in the evening and hope that its not crowded. 

As I dodged the soccer jocks who think they own the floor, ducked under the trays of a group of girls talking about how they, too, hope for a ring by spring, and maneuvered around a few other hundred people... I felt in all physicality how I feel emotionally at this glorious moment. 

You know that feeling? 

Where the world is moving too fast to really catch a glimpse of what's actually going on... 

the days when you really don't do anything, but you feel like everything happened? 

Today is one of those days. 

Actually, the past 6 months has been "one of those days." 

My friends laugh and say they can write a movie from the events of my life... 

and I'm not going to lie, I love all the weekly conversations about how last week is COMPLETELY different from this week in one aspect of my life or another... 

but I feel a lack of air. 

Over the past three weeks, I have done the following:

-prayed for direction.

-pushed away a friend whom I dearly love because I feel hurt and betrayed.

-missed the friend I pushed away. 

-watched the prayer for direction be answered very bluntly by God.

-had a meeting that changed my life. 

-changed my focus for my academics.

-aced a test (which I'm very proud of... yes, I'm tooting my horn... don't scoff). 

-changed my focus in my relationship with Christ (I just love it when you get way off and you have to correct it). 

-planned to go across the country for my the beginning of my Junior year. 

-wrote 3 newspaper articles.

-sat in 3 AS meetings. 

-and received an email from someone I was not expecting to speak to in the near future... let alone in the far future.

All these things have caused my world to literally spin wildly out of necessary control. 

The axis is broken ladies and gentlemen, and the globe on which my life lives is careening out into the middle of space.... cold and alone. 

I'm a little tired of feeling the need to strap on a seatbelt like the ones most NASCAR racers strap on before the fly 500 times around Daytona. 

I don't want boring... because I don't think I would do well with boring... 

but I want to get off the roller coaster for two and a half minutes and catch my breath, my thoughts and have my stomach settle. 

I'm going back to my early high school roots and listening to Hawk Nelson's new stuff... which I found is relational to me in tracks 4, 5 and 11 of "Live Life Loud."

There's a lyric/chorus that really gets me every time I hear it... and my heart screams out "YES! That's exactly how I'm feeling!"

"Don't look back, I won't look back now.

 Hey yah gonna find a new beginning

Lately tired of the life I’m living
Find a way to make a change
In the lives of all of us who need
To find the meaning of life."

I want to find meaning... and gosh darn it, I know I'm close!

I've got a point... I am a sub-point... or a sub-character (and a very sub sub character, if I do say so myself) in the beautiful love story of my Lord and His Church (which I am thankfully a part of)... 

but sometimes I feel like that point is very fuzzy... or stretched from lack of slowness. 

As I hyperventilate, I sing (how that's possible, I don't know... but it is, apparently, in my imagination)

"Oh for grace to trust You more... Give me strength to trust You more."

The dot's a fuzzy blur... but know I'll be more than fine... there's a point still... 

He's my point.

Thank God He's my point. 

To jump or not to jump

There are a few things that I never want to become.

1). The 57 year old cat lady who never found love.

2). The 72 year old hag, who found love, lost it and is now bitter and scares little children away with a glare.  

3). A spiritually worn torn fool who gives up on pursuing righteousness. 

4). A girl who is given an opportunity that she lets slip through her fingers. 

5). A girl who is too flippant with her desires. 

The last two require a certain balance that I have yet to figure out. 

I don't want to be foolish and jump into something that isn't exactly what God has for me... but then again, what if He wants you to jump? 

I find myself really wanting to jump. 

I trust God's lead... and maybe His leading last year is leading to something I never thought it would because I was not ever interested in it before He brought it to my attention.... 

If this is the case, and I don't jump, I'll be number 4. 

But I also trust God's lead in the sense that He's led me to the point of using my artistic eye to glorify Him... and just because I'm not sure its exactly what I want to do doesn't mean that He doesn't want me to do it. 

I'm sure the martyrs didn't want to die... but they wanted what God wanted, so they went to their death glorifying Him. 

If this is the case, and I jump, I'll be number 5. 

The thing is, I'm happy with the direction God seems to be leading... I'm happy with it not just because its new and exciting... but I'm happy with it because I'm watching Him grow me and stretch me into someone I never thought I could be. 

I have peace in moving in that direction... and I don't know if that's because I want it so badly I could scream, or if its because it's real and right. 

More than anything, I want to get on plane next Fall, live on Capital Hill for a semester, and become a better journalist in every way by taking classes and interning with big publications in D.C. 

And I get the feeling that if I don't do it... I'm going to regret it forever. 

Even though its only been a week since I was hit with the decision of switching emphases and going across the country all by myself to live with complete strangers and learn how the journalistic world is changing... I've yet to stop praying and talking to people about it... and I think that I might jump, because it seems to be where God's leading. 

So I'm jumping... if its not right, I have a feeling God's going to catch me on my way down and reroute me. 

Onward to D.C. and completely renovating my wardrobe... I've never actually had to deal with a real winter. =) 

Clouds are deceptive

I woke up this morning with high anticipations of rain.
I love the rain more than I love most things... such as rollercoasters, a good prank and those oximoronic "all natural" white cheddar Cheetos.
I rolled out of my comfortable bundle of blankets, threw on a sweatshirt and then ran to the closed blinds to pear out of my enormous window.
It was sunny.
Disappointment swelled up within me... my dashboard weather widget had lied to me once again.... and I was actually crushed.
I began to get ready for my busy life as a student, but continued to return to the window... hoping that maybe my high hopes would blow in some freak storm that would drench me while I walked to my 9:30 writer's meeting.
At about 9:07... I looked out the window for a final time and saw the beloved Olive tree that is directly outside my window, whipping its branches out of fear or cold.
A huge grin spread across my face... there were menacing clouds that had rolled in within the 3 minutes I had not looked out my window.
Thus, I wrapped a scarf around my neck, bundled myself up in a warm jacket and went out to greet the fall weather with a smile.

The temperature is 66 degrees... there's wind, which is sometimes rather chilly, but fails to pose any sort of real threat.... and there are clouds that think its funny to sit above my head and not produce the rain that was promised to me by my dashboard widget!

Note to self: Do not get excited over rain unless you look out your window and it is streaked with raindrops.

What's in a name?

Fallout, as defined by Merriam-Webster's Dictionary, is a secondary and often lingering effect, result, or set of consequences. 

I find myself in fallout circumstances more often than not. As I stand in the shoes of a creative intellectual, I often times find myself with an array of thoughts that I wish I could express and discuss with others. Being a bible scholar, and an individual with a personal relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ, my thoughts are often times spurred by my conversations with Christ and the convictions that I experience through those conversations. Though, I do, at times go off on topics that have no relevance to biblical thoughts whatsoever... but I whole-heartedly believe that writing like that is sometimes more God-honoring than any biblical blog could be.