Finding my meaning of this moment.

You think I would have learned by now... after a year and 9 weeks of attending this school, you'd think I would know better than to go into the Caf at 5:15 in the evening and hope that its not crowded. 

As I dodged the soccer jocks who think they own the floor, ducked under the trays of a group of girls talking about how they, too, hope for a ring by spring, and maneuvered around a few other hundred people... I felt in all physicality how I feel emotionally at this glorious moment. 

You know that feeling? 

Where the world is moving too fast to really catch a glimpse of what's actually going on... 

the days when you really don't do anything, but you feel like everything happened? 

Today is one of those days. 

Actually, the past 6 months has been "one of those days." 

My friends laugh and say they can write a movie from the events of my life... 

and I'm not going to lie, I love all the weekly conversations about how last week is COMPLETELY different from this week in one aspect of my life or another... 

but I feel a lack of air. 

Over the past three weeks, I have done the following:

-prayed for direction.

-pushed away a friend whom I dearly love because I feel hurt and betrayed.

-missed the friend I pushed away. 

-watched the prayer for direction be answered very bluntly by God.

-had a meeting that changed my life. 

-changed my focus for my academics.

-aced a test (which I'm very proud of... yes, I'm tooting my horn... don't scoff). 

-changed my focus in my relationship with Christ (I just love it when you get way off and you have to correct it). 

-planned to go across the country for my the beginning of my Junior year. 

-wrote 3 newspaper articles.

-sat in 3 AS meetings. 

-and received an email from someone I was not expecting to speak to in the near future... let alone in the far future.

All these things have caused my world to literally spin wildly out of necessary control. 

The axis is broken ladies and gentlemen, and the globe on which my life lives is careening out into the middle of space.... cold and alone. 

I'm a little tired of feeling the need to strap on a seatbelt like the ones most NASCAR racers strap on before the fly 500 times around Daytona. 

I don't want boring... because I don't think I would do well with boring... 

but I want to get off the roller coaster for two and a half minutes and catch my breath, my thoughts and have my stomach settle. 

I'm going back to my early high school roots and listening to Hawk Nelson's new stuff... which I found is relational to me in tracks 4, 5 and 11 of "Live Life Loud."

There's a lyric/chorus that really gets me every time I hear it... and my heart screams out "YES! That's exactly how I'm feeling!"

"Don't look back, I won't look back now.

 Hey yah gonna find a new beginning

Lately tired of the life I’m living
Find a way to make a change
In the lives of all of us who need
To find the meaning of life."

I want to find meaning... and gosh darn it, I know I'm close!

I've got a point... I am a sub-point... or a sub-character (and a very sub sub character, if I do say so myself) in the beautiful love story of my Lord and His Church (which I am thankfully a part of)... 

but sometimes I feel like that point is very fuzzy... or stretched from lack of slowness. 

As I hyperventilate, I sing (how that's possible, I don't know... but it is, apparently, in my imagination)

"Oh for grace to trust You more... Give me strength to trust You more."

The dot's a fuzzy blur... but know I'll be more than fine... there's a point still... 

He's my point.

Thank God He's my point.